Depression is like......
Trigger Warning: Depression and Depressive Episodes
I've been diagnosed with Clinical Depression/Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) for nearly 20 years now. A key component of this disorder is a major depressive episode (MDE). An MDE can last weeks, months, or in more extreme and worse cases, years.
What does it feel like during these episodes? For me, I think of depression as :
cancer
defeat
an insidious fog on the mind
a cage
a dark pit that does not get any light
a creeping darkness at the edges of my mind constantly
numbness
the voice in my head that constantly reminds me how unworthy I am (not to be confused with schizophrenia).
rejection
unlovable
waste of space
continuous mental torment that rarely ceases
And plenty more.
So many of us in the world are fighting with our internal struggles, and you may never spot it. That's because we're good at hiding it. We deal with enough shame in our heads that the last thing we need from others is more shame because we can't "just be happy" or "just get over it." It is not that easy.
In an MDE, life seems worthless, people hopeless, and joy like threads of wind we believe we can grasp but evade us at the last moment. We see so much hate, suffering, violence, lack of compassion and empathy, and love being twisted to serve as a veil that hides the actual motives behind it. It's enough to lose faith in humanity, and see the world as damned. While this is not true (thought it certainly feels and looks that way right now), it is important to understand that in an episode and coming to this point, it may be hard for myself or others to see those realities and instead, become hyper focused on the dark parts. Many of us can eventually come out of these episodes, but sadly not all do. Those that don't either exist in a continuous state of mental torment, unable to see past the pain (and that pain can be extremely intense). Not all of us that suffer from depression see the tomorrow that comes after tonight.
When a depressed person has the capability to ask for help, don't be that person with placating words or the "precious moments" bullshit that no one wants to hear. All we want is someone to listen to us and our mental struggles, receive it without judgement, and tell us that what we feel is valid (because it is). Sometimes a hug is appreciated; it may be the one thing needed to break open the dam so some kind of catharsis can happen. Sometimes the words "you are valid" and "I see you" can be enough. But for the love of God, do not tell me "it'll pass" or "it's all in your head." How do you know? Such words can invalidate all we need by dismissing it as something trivial.
Depression is not trivial.
Mental illness is not trivial
Mental health is not trivial.
And yes, as a reminder, there is a huge difference between mental health, and illness.
Mental health needs to be discussed more publicly and often. Stigmas associated with it need to be dissolved. Creating societal norms and environments where we can feel comfortable to tell someone "I'm not okay" is vital. A person's mental struggles should not be met with shame, but with compassion and respect for the other person's dignity. While it may not be the answer for everyone, no answer is a one-size-fits-all for mental health. It could, however, make the difference in the life of 1 person.
And if it does, it is enough.
I suffer from MDD, and I'm still here. Sometimes it hurts, feels too much, or leaves me unable to function. It's one of the hardest things I will deal with all of my life. It will never go away completely. Does this make me crazy? Hell no.
Instead, it says I'm human.
