Reflecting on the Past, Pt. I.

The other day I was reading people’s accounts of conversion therapy and ex-gay ministry experiences. I was saddened by the stories of people who were told they too could no longer be gay, only to find out the very people saying these things, were in fact, gay. They weren’t acting on their same-sex attractions but admitted to still having them.

News flash buddy……..You’re still gay.

Then I reflected on my own past and how I had not encountered such an experience.

Until I realized I had.

When I was a teenager, my father took me to a Christian counselor. While some sessions were mostly about the parent-child dynamics of relationships, sometimes things would come up. I can recall going into a session with my dad one time and dad bringing up that he had found a letter I had written to another gay teen I had connected with online. Back then Yahoo chat rooms were a thing, and finding chat rooms where teens could connect and talk about life experiences was nice. I remember one time connecting with this teen that was a wrestler. He seemed cute from what I could tell, and we chatted many times before deciding to write each other a letter and correspond. So I wrote this guy a letter, and he wrote me one. I received his letter first, with a school photo of him. He disclosed what he felt about being on a wrestling team and being attracted to his teammates and opponents. This was a far different perspective from mine being a band nerd and tutor. I could talk to a jock and be liked! I was thrilled. So after writing back my response, enclosing a photo of myself. I put it in an envelope and asked if it could be put into the mail tomorrow. Well, dad opened the letter and read it. I was so ashamed of being called out to a family meeting and being singled out about this in front of my family. Dad had even admitted to me many times he was bisexual, and yet here we were talking about why the hell I would do this?

Back to therapy….

I recall sitting in the therapist’s office and dad handing the letter to him. After reading it, the therapist looked at me, and asked why I would find myself interested in such things? I admitted I was curious and felt attracted. Then I was reminded of biblical passages that would condemn me as something terrible and awful. By choosing to be homosexual, I was dooming myself eternally. Let me also say that I hate being referred to as a homosexual. For one, it’s very scientific and clinical and feels dehumanizing in a way. Would anyone prefer to be called heterosexual?

At any rate, these conversations continued for weeks until I suppressed any and all interests in guys. I went back to forcing myself to like girls. Coincidentally, nearly every girl I tried to ask out or get to know, rejected me or played with my emotions pretty terribly. This didn’t do much better for me emotionally. I began to feel cut off and unable to be open about how I felt about being attracted to guys. In counseling, it would be brought up to ask if I was still feeling these things. Naturally, I answered no and lied. What I didn’t want was to feel the verbal humiliation I felt and the shame that came with it again.

I came to realize that what I experienced was conversion therapy in its own way. Not to degrade the severity of the experiences others may have faced, but I do feel I am a part of this narrative now. My story blends in with so many others that have shame and hurt because of who they are attracted to at no fault of their own. Being gay isn’t a choice. We cannot change who we are attracted to. Gay isn’t a behavioral pattern we can abstain from and no longer be gay. Do you think anyone practicing celibacy is no longer attracted to others? Some may not be, but I can guess that others still are.

At the end of this reflection and realization, it’s a wonder how the hell I came out of all this with sanity and a desire to help and educate others. I could have easily given up on humanity and lost faith in them. No one would blame me if I did. Why seek to help others that seek to suppress or even erase me from history?

Sometimes I believe that it is important to serve others with all we have and believe even when they don’t love us. It’s the only way change can occur positively.